I’m So Damn Proud of Myself

I turned 53 this week.
And I don’t know if it was the birthday, the pictures, the memories popping up, or just me sitting there thinking about my life...
but I kept having the same thought.

I am so damn proud of myself.

Like, really proud.
Not in the fake humble way where we say, “Oh, I’m proud, but I still have so much work to do.”

No.
I am proud.
Period.

Because I know where I was a few years ago.
I know how I felt.
I know how much I doubted myself.
I know how many times I wanted something different but didn’t even know how to explain what that different thing was.

And when I look at my life now, I don’t feel like I accidentally landed here.
I built this.
Not all at once.
Not perfectly.
And definitely not without crying, overthinking, changing my mind, getting distracted, starting again and occasionally acting like everything was a complete disaster when it was really just a Tuesday.

But I built it.

I changed my body.
I changed the way I take care of myself.
I changed the way I think.
I changed the way I make decisions.

I became a coach.

I built a business around something I deeply believe in.
I created work that feels like me.
I stopped waiting for someone else to tell me what my life should look like.

And maybe the biggest thing of all...
I trust myself now.

That doesn’t mean I never question anything.
Please.
I can question what I want for lunch for forty-five minutes.
But underneath all of that, I trust myself.

I know that when I make a decision, I can move my life.
I know I can change.
I know I can create something that didn’t exist before.
I know I can look at a version of my life that no longer fits and say, okay, this is not coming with me.

That woman did not exist a few years ago.
Or maybe she did, but she was buried under a lot of fear, responsibility, doubt and everybody else’s needs.

And now she is here.
Very much here.
Sometimes loud.
Sometimes stubborn.
Sometimes wearing workout clothes all day even though she absolutely has real clothes.

But here.
I think one of the hardest things for women is to stop long enough to admit that we are proud of ourselves.

We are always looking at the next thing.
What still needs to be done.
What we haven’t achieved yet.
What still needs fixing.
What someone else is doing better.
We can accomplish something that once felt impossible and two days later act like it was nothing.
Like, yes, yes, I did that, but look at all of this other stuff I still haven’t done.

Why do we do that?
Why are we so quick to dismiss the woman who got us here?

I don’t want to do that anymore.
I don’t want to rush past this version of me because I am already thinking about the next one.

Because yes, I want more.
Of course I do.
I want my business to grow.
I want more impact.
I want more money.
I want to travel.
I want to keep building my body.
I want to create a bigger life.
I want all of it.

But wanting more does not mean I am unhappy with where I am.

That is not where my desire comes from anymore.

I am not building because I hate my life.
I am building because I love it.

I love what I am creating.
I love who I am.
I love where I am going.
And honestly, I cannot wait to see what else I do.

That feels very different from the woman who was always trying to fix herself.
I am not trying to fix myself anymore.
I am working with myself.
I am listening to myself.
I am backing myself.

Even when the evidence is not all there yet.
Even when an idea makes no sense to anyone else.
Even when I don’t know every step.

I know who I am now.

And that has changed everything.

I look at the last two years and I see so many little decisions that probably looked insignificant at the time.
Getting up and doing the workout.
Keeping one promise.
Saying no.
Saying yes.
Investing in myself.
Letting go of something.
Starting before I felt ready.
Choosing not to go back to an old way of thinking just because it was familiar.

None of those moments looked dramatic.
There was no music playing in the background.
No one was clapping.
Most of the time I was probably in my kitchen drinking mate.
But those moments changed my life.

And I did that.
I think that is what I feel most proud of.
Not one accomplishment.
Not one number.
Not one title.

I am proud that I became someone I can count on.
Someone who can want more without making herself wrong for it.
Someone who can enjoy her life now and still be excited about the future.
Someone who can look back without shame.
Someone who can look ahead without fear.

Well... with less fear.

Let’s not get ridiculous.

I am still human.
I still overthink.
I still get distracted like an octopus.
I still have days when I feel completely in flow and days when I wonder how I have managed to keep everyone alive this long.

But I don’t confuse a bad day with a bad life anymore.
I don’t confuse feeling unsure with being lost.
And I don’t confuse being unfinished with not being successful.
I am not finished.

Thank God.
How boring would that be?

But I am standing somewhere I once wanted to be.
And I am letting myself feel that.
I am proud of the woman who kept going.
I am proud of the woman who changed.
I am proud of the woman who stopped abandoning herself.
I am proud of the woman who decided her life could be bigger and then started building it.

And maybe you need to stop for a second and look at yourself too.
Not only at what is missing.
Not only at what you still want.

Look at what you survived.
Look at what you changed.
Look at what you built.
Look at the things you do now that used to feel impossible.

You may be so busy moving forward that you haven’t noticed how far you have already come.

I noticed this week.
And I am so damn proud of myself.
I really am.

Let’s do this together.

With so much love, always...

Gaby