How I Finally Stopped Sabotaging Myself
How I Finally Stopped Sabotaging Myself
All my life, I kind of knew where I was going.
I always had goals.
I was ambitious, driven, clear.
I could visualize what I wanted.
I even had the discipline to get there.
But for some reason… I never quite let myself have it.
Especially when it came to my body.
The Pattern I Couldn't Escape
I had a number I wanted to see on the scale.
The number of workouts I wanted to complete.
The plan. The discipline. The structure.
And I’d get there.
Until I didn’t.
Because right when I was starting to feel good — I’d sabotage.
Overeat. Stop moving.
Shrink myself.
Like something in me didn’t believe I was allowed to feel that good, that free, that powerful.
It was the same story over and over again.
And it took me decades to realize …
This wasn’t a willpower problem.
This was a nervous system response.
The Deeper Truth About Sabotage
I had been living in survival mode since I was a teenager.
I had eating disorders from the age of 12.
I never felt safe in my body — or in my life.
So whenever I began to thrive … my system panicked.
It didn’t matter how “ready” I was.
Subconsciously, I believed that being radiant, seen, and fully expressed wasn’t safe.
And my body did what it was trained to do:
Pull me back to what felt familiar.
Even if the familiar was painful.
What Actually Changed Everything
Everything shifted when I stopped trying to “fix myself” with more discipline …
… and started loving myself into safety.
When I began to:
Listen to my body, not punish it
Eat whole foods as a form of devotion, not deprivation
Move in ways that felt like power, not punishment
Release emotional weight, not just physical
Rewire the belief that my joy and aliveness were dangerous
This wasn’t about weight loss.
This was about nervous system healing.
This was about trusting my body again.
And That’s When I Stopped Sabotaging Myself
I no longer needed to self-destruct.
Because nothing inside me needed to be protected from my own joy anymore.
That’s the real healing.
Not just changing your habits.
But changing the identity of the woman who kept repeating them.
I stopped sabotaging myself …
… when I finally believed I was safe to thrive.
And now?
I’m not afraid of my light anymore.
I live there.